Monday, April 11, 2016

The Narrative of Self.

“Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change of attitude.” 
― Katherine Mansfield


I’ve been reading up a bit on how perception impacts behavior and it’s kind of insane how small perception cues can change our behavior. Like the color of the plate you’re filling with food can nudge you to over eat. 

This brought me back to a topic I’ve been mulling for, oh, nearly 20 years - the self-narrative. The story you create for yourself (though rarely in isolation) about who you are and how you fit into the wider world. We all know someone who is “the martyr” and that person who always seems to be “the lucky one.” I’m more and more convinced that, in the Western world at least, these types are often taught and later self-imposed. If you believe yourself to be a victim, someone who is always struggling, then you’re going to find something to be the victim of and search for the struggles. Equally, seeing yourself as someone who overcomes leads you to seek solutions in situations where others give up. There are SO many studies that show this to be the case. It doesn’t mean bad shit doesn’t happen to good people. It doesn’t mean there isn’t VERY real injustice in the world. But it does mean that we have choices in how we face that world. Notice I didn’t say how we face “reality” because honestly that word is just tossed around so much it’s lost all meaning. Your reality is your perception. Which also means that though we do have choices, we often fail to make them because we don’t think that our choices matter since, after all, we are just _______ kind of person - “that’s just who I am.” 

Part of me wants to share research and talk about the ways in which we can change that self-narrative so folks can see all the choices they have and feel empowered. But then there’s that research that shows entrenchment of beliefs occurs when challenged outside of a personal relationship (see fb, ugh) - so go find someone you trust and ask them if they think you can make changes in your life, then do your damnedest to trust their answer. 

What I can actually do is make it my top goal as a parent to help my kids develop a self-narrative that will serve them well. Now, I can hear you thinking that all this pop-culture, let’s raise kids to be winners mumbo-jumbo just leads to entitled teenagers; kids these days need hard work, just like you had going uphill both ways to school with three jobs. Hang on there cowboy. The self-narrative I want to teach them isn’t that they can succeed. I don’t want them to believe that they’re winners or loser or martyrs or saints or cobra-kai or zen masters. Because all of those narratives are secondary to the one that makes the biggest difference in every choice we make; even under the weight of the world’s perceptions of us and the imposition of cultural norms. 

So I am embarking on a mission to teach my two kiddos that the central narrative of their life is that they are loved and worthy to receive love. The power of knowing you are worthy of love isn’t about confidence or ego. It’s about feeling secure that though you may fail, and fail often, there will always be relief, forgiveness, and support. Through this narrative they we will share their love with others, making them feel worthy too and drawing loving people to their peer group. Which means they will always have the comfort, the core belief, that high or low, rich or poor, or if they fall in all ways dreadedly in the middle - love is on their side.

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